Being the humble doctor-turned-medical-startup-entrepreneur that I am, I don’t often use this site as a platform to peddle the products I distribute. But I took that damn Hypocratic Oath just like the rest of these quacks, so when I’m in possession of a batch of new pills that just feel like they need to be shared with the world, who am I to withhold the possibility of perfect health from so many? This fresh new shipment in from Kansas City, MO certainly fits the bill, so as soon as I signed off on it and bribed the courier not to log the delivery I knew I had to distribute treatments as quickly as possible. Prospective patients can find relevant details below:
Excusable Negligence’s fast-acting Performance Outrage Enhancement is the perfect cure for all your ailments.
USE FOR: aches, pains, anxiety, diarrhea
of the mouth, straw-grasping, dog whistling, election frauding, government destabilization, and all other ailments.
DIRECTIONS: take both sides daily until symptoms disappear.
SIDE EFFECTS: aches, pain, anxiety, diarrhea, depression, hypertension, malaise, constipation, collapse of democracy, dermatitis, casual racism, dizziness, drowsiness, belief in conspiracy theories, dry mouth, headache, government insurrection, insomnia, media bias, nausea, suicidal thoughts, abnormal heart rhythms, fear mongering, internal bleeding, cancer, anemia, erections, complete and total loss of reality, joint stiffness, mania, loss of sex drive.
IF EFFECTS LAST MORE THAN 6 HOURS CONTACT YOUR DOCTOR. [That’s me! Hi!]
THIS IS NOT AN FDA APPROVED PRODUCT